A few weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown to my mum, my skin was beginning to flare up again and I was slipping into my old habits of avoiding eye contact with people and only going out when I had to (to work etc). After weeks of her saying I looked fine and that you could hardly notice anything she told me to book an appointment with my Dermatologist. I was actually embarrassed to go back for my appointment; would he remember me? I know this sounds ridiculous and I can't really explain why this was something I was worried about. Also, what if my acne wasn't as bad as I was making out? What if I turned up for my appointment and he laughed at me? The problem when people are trying to be nice and tell you that it's not noticeable is you start to doubt yourself and think "maybe I should just live with it". I'm glad that I didn't because the minute he looked at me (and remembered me, thank goodness) he said my pores had enlarged and my acne had made a comeback- he also said that we needed to treat it because with time it would only get worse.
Adult acne apparently often begins to disappear when a person is in their mid twenties, however I am one of the lucky 5% who continue to suffer from it over the age of 25. Its not just the case of having the odd spot, I have clusters of very noticeable spots on different parts of my face; painful whiteheads that spread from one patch to the next and never actually appear to fade. I have scars on my cheeks, chin, forehead, and yes- as embarrassing as it is- my bum. If you haven't had the misfortune of waking up with a giant spot on your bottom that makes it too painful to sit then you have yet to face the true horrors of adult acne.
We all know how spots develop and how we are unfortunate enough to produce too much sebum which blocks our sebaceous glands, but the one thing that I think about the most is the fact that acne is hereditary. It is in my genes to suffer with this- I had no control over it! If one of your parents suffers from severe acne you will most definitely suffer from it too; acne has caused me great misery in my life so far- as petty as it is, I often think about whether my life would have been different had I not been so depressed and embarrassed throughout college and university- which leads me to the question that if I had children would they too be affected by severe acne? I couldn't bear the thought that I passed this on to someone else, that they would feel as miserable and ugly as I have.
"Are you on the pill?" Yes. Does it help? No. After I finished my last course of Roaccutane I went back on the pill because my skin started to get very oily again, I thought that the pill could help regulate my hormones and lessen the oil production but it didn't, and here I am 8 months later about to repeat the cycle of R. However, some people can control their acne with the pill because theirs is affected by their hormones so I would suggest taking the pill as the first step in trying to overcome acne.
One girl suggested to me yesterday that I try going on sunbeds to get rid of my acne; this is something I have heard people say since I was a young teenager but a) I have very pale skin and I burn in the sun, I think a sunbed would cause me more damage that good and b) almost all acne medication says to stay out of direct sunlight because it makes you more sensitive to it which makes me think that maybe sunlight/heat isn't the cure. HOWEVER, I went to Hong Kong to visit my sister and whilst over their my acne cleared up and when I returned it came back with a vengeance. When I asked my doctor why this happened he said my skin was adjusting to the new environment and had I stayed their longer my acne would have reappeared after it had adapted.
I don't use any skin care products with Perfume/Parfum listed as an ingredient; my skin is very sensitive and anything perfumed makes my face red and sore. I am one of those people who reads the ingredients on the back of products and you know what? I'm not alone! Ever seen the word noncomedogenic on the back of a moisturised? It means it's formulated so it doesn't block pores. The only moisturiser I trust is Cetaphil, it was recommended by my dermatologist, it's gentle, cheap, and I've previously written a post about it so check it out!
Acne makes me feel like an insecure, awkward teenage girl; I don't have a boyfriend because as the old cliché goes "no one will love you until you learn to love yourself". After years of being the ugly friend I have become sarcastic and cynical, I'm also wary of anyone that shows an interest in me because why would they like me? I have become a self saboteur when it comes to relationships all because I lack confidence- I am working on it but I have struggled with acne since the age of 14 and old habits die hard (I'm all about the clichés today). I don't talk about how I feel to anyone, I used to keep diaries to vent in but I find it very hard to communicate my feelings verbally to anyone; I'm aware of how unhealthy it is to keep feelings of sadness bottled up inside which is why every now and again (when I can't take it anymore) I break down in tears to my mother. - Natalie
