Acne and Depression

Sorry for the lack of posting recently, it is exam period at university and I have been very busy attempting to revise!
Today I want to talk about one of the most serious side effects of acne medication and acne in general: depression.

People who don't suffer from acne do not realise how much it can affect your self-esteem. There seems to be a correlation between acne and depression; the worse acne gets, the worse you feel about yourself.

I've always said that you can't truly understand how miserable acne makes you unless you suffer from it yourself.

As I said in one of my previous posts, My Skin, when I moved into university accomodation I became a recluse and hid myself away because I was ashamed of the way I looked. There is nothing worse than thinking you are ugly and assuming that the whole world thinks you are too, I even wore make-up around my family because I convinced myself that my parents thought I was hideous.
To this day my grandparents have never seen me without make-up and if they come to my house when I have none on I will hide in my bedroom until they have gone because again: I don't want them to see what I "really look like".

It's not shallow or pathetic to feel this way, and I'm sure some people reading this will be able to relate to what I'm saying. I hated myself, I literally couldn't stand the way I looked and the worse my acne got the more I loathed my appearance.

I became obsessed with my skin, my grades at university started to drop because I didn't care enough to do the work; all I cared about was how I looked and what people were thinking when they looked at me. I would spend hours looking closely at my reflection for even the smallest imperfection and then scrutinise it until, in my head, it became worse than it actually was. I'd apply so much make-up that the end result was cakey and orange and I would have to take it off and start again because I would look ridiculous, the amount of foundation I went through was unbelievable.

The house I lived in at university had a shared shower on the bottom floor, I would take make-up into the shower with me so that I could re-apply it when I got out and then I would put a towel over my head and run up the 2 floors to my room. In the end I started going home to shower and then eventually moved home all together.

When I was going into my 3rd year of university my mum kept saying "when are you applying for accomodation? Where are you going to live?" and encouraging me to do it. But I didn't want to, I couldn't face going back and living like that; because I wasn't living, I was just existing and wishing for every day to pass quickly so I could sit alone in my room. I felt as though she was pressuring me to move out and I felt as though she didn't want me living at home. I even heard my sister on the phone to her friend commenting on how it was pathetic that I had paid for university accomodation but never spent time there.
I never talked to anyone about it, I was ashamed about the way I looked and how I felt. I knew I was depressed and used to google it constantly because it made me feel better to know that I could define how I felt.
Because I never told anyone my parents kept asking me when I was re-applying and I kept making up excuses, in the end I think they realised that there was no way I was going back. My sister said to me a while ago "it makes me sad that you didn't enjoy living at university", luckily I went to one fairly close to home to I could easily travel back and forth. I always wondered why I chose that particular university but I think that subconsciously I knew that I needed to be close to home because of my low self-esteem.

In the weeks before I started taking R I stopped going out, I would make up excuses about having to work or being sick and would just sit at home and watch TV. When I started taking R I only left the house to go to work and university, and sometimes (if my skin looked really bad) I wouldn't go to class. I just wanted each day to pass quickly so I could see if the medication was making any difference.

Anyone who has ever taken Roaccutane knows that one of the main side effects is depression, when I started taking it my dermatologist asked me if I was depressed and I said no because I had never been diagnosed as depressed and I was desperate for a cure. I came to the conclusion that because of the way I felt before taking the medication, the drug would alter my mood further and my feelings of depression would worsen so I made a pact with myself that no matter how low I felt I would not admit to being depressed. I was stupid, but luckily I never had that side effect. There would be rare days when I would feel nothing, I would be completely numb and would have to force myself to smile or speak so that no one would assume there was something wrong, but those days would pass and I was too focused on the end goal of having perfect skin to allow them to affect me.

In a way, taking R stopped me feeling depressed. I felt as though I was doing something positive to put an end to my misery and having the drug inside me made me feel safe, it was helping me towards my goal!

After I finished my 6 month course I began to feel miserable again, the drugs hadn't worked like I wanted them to and I still felt ugly. My mum would say "well it was never going to clear it completely, you'll always have some imprefections" but I knew that she felt the same, like it hadn't worked.

My obsession with my face worsened, I wouldn't answer the door without make-up, I wouldn't leave the house with out it, but I felt dirty with it on. I felt like it was seeping in to my pores and making my acne worse! I was in a "no win" situation. I continued with my other treatments and tried to live with it but I just couldn't be bothered any more. I was not and have never felt suicidal but I just didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sit in the dark and let the days pass by but no one can live like that, it's unhealthy.

A couple of months ago I told my sister that I thought I was depressed and made her promise not to tell anyone. Then the next day I told my mum I was obsessed with my face, it's a real thing you know! Together, we talked about ways I could conquer it. The small steps I would take in order for me to feel better about myself such as; going to the gym (which I hated because the excercise cause my acne scars to go bright red), and pushing myself to meet up with friends and interact with other people.

I've still not been on a "big night out" because I don't feel ready, I've secluded myself for a long time so it is taking a while for me to re-introduce myself to things but I feel better about myself.

I still have bad days but I tell my mum, I don't sit in silence and let my emotions go crazy! Don't do what I did and keep quiet, I have wasted the past 3 years and am unlikely to get a good degree but I'm just proud I'll be getting one!

I have my last exam tomorrow and then will finish university for good and some one in my class asked me if I would miss it, NO I WILL NOT! These 3 years have been the worst years of my life! I'm not going to tell them that though so I shrug and say "yeah I guess". But I won't miss it, I'm looking forward to leaving and moving on with my life!

If any one related to anything I have said in this post, you can message me! I'd be glad to help.

- Natalie